Monday, December 10, 2007

America is not a place

This is a work in progress

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Yuri Gagarin

My parents were Soviet spies
They were so good
that even Moscow didn't know about them.
They just exchanged sideways glances
and passed State secrets to each other.

My sister was the first person in Space.
In our backyard
at age six.
She had a rocketship
and had never even heard of Yuri Gagarin.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Hospital

I didn't want to see him in the hospital
So I didn't go
I didn't know him like that
So I didn't know him at all
Jesus died on the cross
Mine never did
A child will lead them,
but he was too old
to be that man
and too young
to be in the hospital
in Milton's paradise
(not that Milton, there was another.)
and we gave to Caesar and had none
Caveat emptor, here's to your health.

But that's not how it happened
I have an agenda, and want no part of
the story
as it happened
My perception is
as they say
colored
(and we are foreign agitators)
because I can afford nice things
but will not go into hospitals
And the truth was
is
he went in
the same way I first did
Not breathing

II

Ambulance
is never a welcome sight
They were only parked
That night
The drivers at home
and out for coffee
or doing what people do
There was no paramedic
To make Lazarus tell his story
or an allegory;
They say the modern world
has made magic
and miracles
obsolete.
But it won't until
our hearts
become plastic
malleable
and molded into sections
compartments to hold
our disbelief
Mine is still in the pavement
(It didn't die on the cross)
in front of the door
to the hospital.

III

He's not a doctor
He is a physician
I was once told

It seems a lost cause
to heal a physical condition
When emotion is an overused cliche
for suffering.

I have not felt that and will not pretend.
But I was there
on a Sunday
morning
after I would not go into the hospital
there can be no mourning if you believe
in life after death
and there can be no mourning
if you don't
So we cried when the others cried.
Imitation is its own reward.

When it rains
on a sad day
someone may say that
God
is crying.

I
for one
am disillusioned
that the world has not flooded again
if that is the case

and I will not suspend my disbelief
in the rain outside the hospital

Sunday, November 25, 2007

This is mostly not about a song I am listening to

i think my dog has clinical depression. i also think several of my friends have that.

i feel really bad for all of them in various ways. its complicated. (most things are.)

i'm developing a new theory of the law. which is simply awful because the paper i am trying to write was supposed to be fairly basic, essentially based on one i wrote a year ago (which was simply delightful if i do say so myself.) but now i keep trying to do way too much with it and also explain how a crime only occurs once the law has been invoked. and because the invocation of the law is now essentially a police / prosecutorial monopoly crime is entirely discretionary to those who ostensibly enforce it. right? well this is my example. a simple assault is pretty much any kind of physical contact. millions or billions or events happen daily that could be considered simple assault, and probably less than 0.01% of them are really considered crimes. so something about discretion, i lost my train of thought. but yeah, police could arrest people for a lot of things and charge 'simple assault' but they generally know what is and really isn't a crime (even though it all could be.) thats what im trying to write. but mostly i'm just sleeping.

i'm in a state.

i thought i would like winter, but i'm sick of it already and i don't have the proper clothing. i am always hot or cold. oh god weather, am i going to talk about gas prices now?

cause really i don't have any money either. i'm fairly certain the school is just withholding every other paycheck. but i don't care i don't care. i don't care if i never get another paycheck again.

everyone hates my writing. or else they think its so great that they're intimidated. or they're just lazy and don't actually read it. i mean thats what i generally do.

something is definitely missing. still plenty of november left though.

you gotta pay your dues before you pay the rent (alternate: we're the heirs to the glimmering world. which is more optimistic?)

Monday, November 19, 2007

could've sworn i've updated this thing more recently than a month ago.

everything is fine and terrible.

i cleaned up my room today. but i did not do any work. any. i need to write at least half of each of two papers this week, because it is my week off, and i have no reason not to accomplish amazing things.

i could've gotten something done in the last two hours, but i couldn't decide what to start with (briefly considered studying norwegian or writing a novel) but i just ended up sitting here listening to red house painters / sun kil moon and looking up hot air balloons on wikipedia.

now its 2:30 and i'm going to sleep in until noon tomorrow. great.

i really don't care about most of you anymore right now. sorry.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

information travels faster in the modern age as our days are crawling by so slowly

i really can never be sure if my own jokes are funny until someone else laughs.

i started listening to a lot of death cab for cutie this week. i haven't listened to them since like 2005 otherwise. it's because of my new computer and having all my music in one place. (technology leads to change. global affairs!)

all of a sudden i am mildly interested in the pathogelogical aspects of globalization (is that the right word at all?) but it certainly won't last. i wrote a master's thesis proposal about the development of the police as an institution, which i think is kind of funny because i started in global affairs because i was sick of criminal justice in general and the police specifically, but mostly i was just sick of having to think of a dissertation / core topic, and now i have a core topic anyway (related to, but not the same as, the master's thesis.) quite a few papers to write though.

well, half of a paper that i need to get in soon, and another one for that same class on some kind of topic about global political economy. anything! and then one on policing that will be a short draft of the core. not bad not bad.

also i want to write a short story or something but who knows. i started one about careers in advertising called careers in advertising but i'm not really sure what i want to do with it plotwise, or characterwise, or stylewise.

giving a midterm tomorrow. we really have not gotten that far along yet, so i couldn't even come up with enough multiple choice questions. which means we will be staying late for much of the rest of the semester.

i don't know what i'm doing next year at all, i mean i seriously have not yet been able to figure out if i'm going to take classes or just do something else or what. a lot of it depends on me passing the qualifying exam, which is monday. it is awful awful and besides that i have to wake up at like 6:30 to get there, so that is certainly a handicap. answering a question about research design and statistics is not something i should be doing while asleep.

its going to be a busy weekend. if you see me sitting around doing nothing, remind me there's a war going on or something.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

careers in science

when i grow up i want to be a sociologist

Sunday, October 21, 2007

in the long run

lots of people had to die so that we could get 5 day work-weeks of 8 hour days.

i decided to work less, so maybe no one else would have to die.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

posterity

this is what i am currently doing in life and such:

i am working on a research project for the Violence Institute of New Jersey, under the auspices of the New Jersey State Parole Board, under a grant from someone else but i forget who right now. i'm collecting data from parolee day reporting centers. haven't actually collected any yet though, so i can't say much else about it.

i'm working for the criminal justice library (or possibly for a publisher) inputting abstracts (or possibly writing them) for the catalog. just for the money, because i was supposed to be working for the library like i did over the summer, but the budget ran out and they're required to give TA's a certain number of hours. if i work directly for the publisher apparently they pay me twice as much, so that would be nice. and i can probably work from home.

i'm also working on a research proposal to do a study of panhandlers in newark. we were going to do it this past summer but my research partner (is that the word?) got married. i'm going to try to use my research grant from last year that i never used, because the only other idea i had for that involved mass mailings, and i can't get behind that.

i'm teaching the same class i've been teaching for over a year. on policing. one night a week now, for the first time, and its going pretty well i'd say, but its only the second week. it helps to be taking a class on policing while teaching (i did that last fall too). not that i don't know the material or anything though, just its nice to talk about stuff in class with other PhD students and such before i get in the classroom, and also get some newer readings i can use. and so on.

and i'm taking three classes. two are global affairs and its strange to be in a new program now, and i still have no idea if i'm actually going to go for the degree, but if i don't then the last two weeks have been a waste (not to mention the 350 bucks or so i spent on books.) it's interesting, but on the other hand its a decent amount of work that i could simply not do. would certainly be nice to not have to deal with the commute to, so i could just take classes 4 or 5 nights. oh well, next semester maybe.

that is all.

Monday, September 17, 2007

cross the wide missouri

every six months or so i think i'm dying

(the rest of the time i think i'm going to live forever)

i don't mind long car rides but i can't be in one place for more than 12 hours.

but, yeah, like. you can't own the land, man.

we need more adventures involving rappel lines.

but what we need more of is science.

i really wanted to have a full paragraph written here. i can't even do that anymore. also i'm not sure if i still know how to play guitar or tennis. oh well.

Friday, September 7, 2007

i'm not scared


i just have no idea about anything. do you?

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

join the army, hippie

i think at this point i am officially a writer

because i have been working on a novel for ~3 years and have nothing of substance to show for it, but i have gone out drinking a time or two.

it could be worse. i could have one successful novel, which i could never match. that must be awful, also. also, it could be awful to have all of your novels be successful but then wonder if you even believe in them anymore, right? i really don't know much about this, i'm just going by things i heard woody allen say.

my friends all laughed at my woody allen impression, and said it wasn't like him. but then when i heard theirs' i realized that they hadn't actually ever seen or heard him, and were just basing it on a particularly mediocre episode of family guy.

today we had a new student orientation, for people who are just beginning graduate school. i and a another girl (who started when i did) both introducted ourselves as 3rd year students. then afterwards we realized that we were actually 4th year students. i lost a year in about 45 seconds there.

and then. i had class with a professor that i am on relatively friendly terms with, but no one else was (they're just babies.) and it was okay but also a bit surreal. and i'm pretty sure i've already read all of the assigned reading for the course. what what what

elvis costello is my favorite elvis.

one of my early creation myths was that i was named after elvis, but the one that i now think is the most likely is that they went with the first name in the book of names, because everyone was really busy in the 80s.

i don't think i'm gonna do much of anything.

but at least i'm not writing poetry

tomorrow i ride the train. more to follow.

Monday, August 6, 2007

i typed some stuff but deleted it cause it was in german and about zombies. it is not a good night for either.

blogs are just awful. i mean think about everything that was ever written before the 1980s. and most of it was worthless then, but some of it was worth preserving maybe. but now there's just. so much. fanfiction.

i seriously have nothing to say ever. i mean i probably could if someone gave me a starting point, but otherwise nope. i was trying to write a song. well the lyrics. got the music and such, and even a topic (communication!) and title but i cannot at all. and you all saw how my previous attempts at free-form poetry went. yeah.

i am also almost kind sick of music. (you know, except for the talking heads.)

my family just got back from vermont. i wish i went somewhere.

this conversation is going nowhere.

i wish you all a wonderful week. p.s. someones got a birthday coming up.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

i wish i could paint

it was about everything ever.

insomnia is quite the motivator.

for procrasintation of course.

one of these days i'm gonna do a hell of a lot of stuff. it will probably be a thursday, because that's how these things go.

it's not fair to say i don't believe in anything.

i have found that i cannot do anything remarkably artistic (in the most self-aware sense) without referencing television. i feel like i spelled referencing wrong there, but i don't know any other way.

there is so much that is uninterpretable.

and i for one of tired of repeating things that i don't understand.

this line deleted because i didn't like it.

line space line space line

i don't see how people can stand to be in one place.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

A Crime Drama

A poem
cannot be modern
in this day and age

Contemporary
is antebellum;
a word I do not understand
the meaning of

The bank robbers
got away
scot-free
with five thousand dollars cash.
Resolution

Monday, June 18, 2007

Draft

Angelo was a corporal.
corpral

The stars disappeared
They reset
je suis
and came back again
like God
like god

What caliber are those
he thought he wondered
(he didn’t wonder anything)
after they hit the ground

they were not stars at all

he counted the blasts
one two three

four

That was all he heard

Five

In the foxholes it was all thunder and shrapnel and atheism

It never finished, it just stopped and then Angelo
was the only man left
in a sea

See

corporeal

he was killed in an accident

then he came home

Men were on boats
(and others too)
It was a hard time.
But it was the last hard time.
Julia wanted to see the world so she drove her car west.
I had seen enough.
I drove east
je suis
I thought I knew all the languages.

You put your life on hold
watching the boats leave and return, barnacled and flags half-masted.
Westward

he couldn’t close his eyes anymore

Angelo was upstairs the windows were open
The windows were facing the wrong way.
Maybe a reflection
Maybe?
He spoke
but the accounts are speculation
checkmate
is what they wrote.

He had a revolver
For his temple
And a knife
For his maker

Julia was downstairs the doors were locked
No she was Catherine in this life
with the doors locked and another life on hold
we made you all the same
she heard a knock at the door

West to Cincinnati and Detroit and other places she’d never seen and still didn’t.
Each was only an Eiffel Tower and an
alley
or Vienna

she always pictured him in Vienna. (a place she had once read about)
But it was wrong we had never gone that far

I didn’t even make it halfway across the Atlantic

Lemuria, as Julia would call it.
That’s not a real place I would say.
But none of them are.

It wasn’t a knock.

he was killed in an accident, it was supposed to be safe

The company didn’t have a number. Julia was
passing by a billboard with an advertisement for cigarettes
when the car stopped

and everything else

to the west, she wouldn’t look east


He had done it

Sunday, June 17, 2007

ugh

You have to learn to crawl before you learn to walk. You have to learn to lie before you learn to talk.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Is this an album title or am I just saying stuff? Who knows?

All the factories closed so we just watched television.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Also J. Edgar Hoover

I taught my class about stuff today. Like the two Red Scares and the thing that starts with a V and ends with 10,000 dead Americans.

The library didn't have a seat for me to work in or something, and I don't want to wait around so I think I'm going home now.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The Bay of Pigs Invasion

we lost the civil war, the cold war, and the war on drugs, and we're going to be in denial for a long time.

that aside, i do not wish to go on like that here and now. you know how i feel. my advice to you would probably be to quit your job. then get a job at walmart, start organizing for the unions, get fired, and collect unemployment.

things are gonna get worse before they get worse.

in other news, grading my quizzes has revealed that my students know precious little about american history. and not even the on-the-fly revisionist history i was on about earlier, but actual on paper history that even the racists who led this country for 200 some years don't dispute.

tomorrow i will lecture on eugene v. debs, the vietnam war, and ronald reagan.

It's not TV, it's HBO

Now that the Sopranos is over, does that mean the mafia isn't cool anymore?

Post number one

Well, this is a blog. I may replace my livejournal with this and I may not. The upside would be not having to use the word 'livejournal' in spoken conversation. The downside would be having to use the word 'blog' a lot more often, and possibly even 'blogosphere.' It's lose-lose, like so much in this cruel, cruel world.

Now, for dancing.